5 days ago I spent the day at home looking forward to the next day. I was going to see my midwife and we were going to schedule my ultrasound to find out the gender of our baby. I’ve never been so excited to find out the gender.
On Tuesday morning when we arrived at the clinic she had results from a blood test to share with me and everything looked good there. She then said that they could get me in that day to find out the gender. When she stepped out of the room my mother in law (Momma J) and I were so excited.
My midwife came back to the room with the doppler radar to listen to the heartbeat. She couldn’t find it. She had us go to the ultrasound where she checked again and the baby was very still and there was no heartbeat. I don’t know why, but it still didn’t register that my baby was not alive.
Her office had me go to the main doctors office for him to check and I started to get nervous once we were there. We had to wait for a while and I saw a few friends while there.
When he finally called us back and pulled up the baby on the screen it was very obvious that there was no heartbeat and no movement. Several weeks before the baby had been very very active.
Once he measured he realized that the baby had stopped growing about 3-4 weeks before. We have no reason as of now. Anatomically she was perfect, but they are searching for more answers.
This verse if the first scripture that went through my head when the realization dawned on me.
Job 1:21 (KJV) And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
This is our third baby in heaven. The first was October 2010, and the second May 2011. It doesn’t get any easier, but it doesn’t get harder. It’s just a sad thing to endure each time.
On Wednesday morning I went in for surgery and I lost a lot of blood during surgery. I’m still very weak, but my family and friends have been very helpful and supportive.
I am so thankful that I chose to have a panel of blood work done to test for genetic abnormalities because it showed the gender of the baby. The morning of the surgery the doctor told Walter that she was a girl. We had already decided on the name Lisa Diane.
Since we didn’t know the gender I had not bought many items yet, except bottles and other gender neutral things. In May, I had gone to Carters and found this beautiful and oh so soft blanket.
I have asked my husband to either build me a cedar box or see if we can find one to put her name on and keep this and dress that Momma J got for her. It just doesn’t seem real that I won’t get to wrap her in that softness.
During this time my 5 year old son has been the only child home because my older children have been at camp all week. Jimmy has been such a comfort to me. He has shown more maturity than ever before and has been so sweet.
This evening will be hard for my older kids, but we will make it through together.
Philippians 4:7 King James Version (KJV)
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.